It had not been a good day. The dark grey clouds overhead reflected my mood perfectly. I just needed to pick up a few more things, get through this ridiculously long checkout line and then I could finally head home, crumple into the tub and pretend the whole day didn’t happen. So when I saw them out of the corner of my eye… well, I think I may have actually whimpered out loud. I knew them from church. They were the emotionally needy type and I had never seemed to have enough patience for them. I had served alongside them for a few years up until about a year ago. I hadn’t actually seen them in a long time and I knew a conversation would be awkward at best… So, I did what any good “church-going” person would do, I picked up the first magazine I saw (I think it was Cosmo) and held it directly in front of my face, hoping and praying that they wouldn’t see me. Whether they did or not, I’ll probably never know. They left the store, I put down my guide to great sex and cut in front of an old lady to get to the next cashier. The cashier was just ringing up my receipt when I happened to look out to the parking lot. The couple was crossing over a speed bump with all of their parcels in tow and the woman tripped. I didn’t see her fall so I didn’t think much of it as I thanked the cashier and collected my bags. But as I made my way to the exit I saw that the woman had actually dropped her groceries which now lay scattered all over the pavement and her husband was flailing his arms around wildly and yelling at her. I was more than a little shocked and I noticed that a lot of people around me were too. This man, that I knew, was causing a real scene.
For a minute I considered walking back into the store with a made up list of things I forgot to buy but I just wanted to get home so badly that I didn’t even care if I’d have to walk right past them. Another man from the front of the store threatened to call the police because things were getting so out of hand. The woman just stood there, with half a carton of eggs at her feet. I could almost feel the embarrassment that flushed her cheeks. But in a split second decision I was halfway across the parking lot, avoiding the scene entirely, like some sort of Pharisee on Sunday - I had somewhere important to be! But to my utter dismay, it turned out that my car was parked directly beside their car and they were going to get there right before me. Left with no other choice I walked straight towards them. He was still yelling at her about the broken eggs but when he looked up and recognized me he stopped dead in his tracks. I could tell they were both waiting for me to say something. I, being fully aware of the crowd behind us, just cast him a disproving glare and raised my chin. I didn’t even think. I got in my car and drove away without one word.
As I pulled out of the parking lot I tried to convince myself that my actions hadn’t been quite so awful. But there was a lump (about the size of an egg) in my throat. And before I knew it there were tears spilling down my cheeks. I thought about this couple who hadn’t been to church in a long time, and who probably needed their broken eggs more than I needed anything in my bag. No my response hadn’t been awful… it had been worse. A good, non-judging person would have stopped to see if they were doing okay, or even offered to replace a few groceries. Not me. Not that day. The only thing that I did do, was ensure that he knew that I felt that he was beneath me. In that moment of truth as both of my hands clutched the steering wheel, I saw in myself someone who I was very ashamed of… How quickly we forget the judgement that has been cleared for us, when we get the opportunity to judge another.
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
Matthew 7:3-5
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Where Redemption Waits
“Nothing keeps us so lonely as our secrets.”
Paul Tournier
On the Niagara escarpment, just past Stoney Creek Ontario, there is a lookout platform at the Devil’s Punch Bowl conservation area. From this point there is a breathtaking view of a 37 metre high waterfall over stratified rock that was said to have been formed at the end of the last ice age. If you enjoy the outdoors, I highly recommend that you check it out - it is a truly stunning sight to see. Also at this lookout point, there is a 10 metre high steel cross complete with 106 light bulbs that was erected in 1966 by a man named William Sinclair. His reason for establishing the cross? To bring a little more light to the world. And so it shines, and can be seen for miles on a dark night. At the foot of this cross is where my story begins…
The arches of my feet pierced with excruciating pain as I trudged up the snow-covered pathway - in ¾ inch heels. Oh yeah! There I was hiking up the Niagara Ridgeway in the middle of January sometime after 1 o’clock in the morning - in heels! Okay, fine, at that height they don’t technically warrant as heels - but it‘s not like they were hiking boots either! Even if they had been, by that point I was hardly consolable and I was tired of being polite. “Okay, this is ridiculous! I have to wake up early to sing at church in the morning - and I’m wearing a dress Cam! I’m wearing a dress - and heels - and it’s like -10 degrees out here! Can we please just turn around and go home? ” I heard my own pathetic beg. He took three more giant steps before he triumphantly announced. “Here we are! Just check out the view! Don‘t you think this was worth the trek up here?” he asked as he rubbed up and down my arms in attempt to keep them warm. I let the silence settle for about one minute before I answered. “Yup, terrific! Can we go now?” He took a deep breath and let out a long exaggerated sigh. “I’m sorry Babe. This wasn’t exactly like I planned. But I really wanted to bring you up here, for a special purpose… I wanted to ask you something” he began as he slowly lowered to one knee…
My heart lurched in my chest. No! No! This wasn’t happening! Not yet! I hadn’t had the chance to tell him! I… I hadn’t even tried to tell him. I was nearly twenty-one years old and we had been dating for exactly one year. He had surprised me by repeating our first date; the Toronto Boat show, dinner at a jazz club and now a midnight stop at the old cross off Centennial Parkway. Everything had indeed been lovely but in the months leading up to this night I had absolutely no inclination that we had gotten this serious. I hadn’t even considered the idea of marriage yet. I wasn’t ready for this decision. I wasn’t ready for honesty! And then suddenly before I could stop it, I was sub-consciously dragged back to the darkest, loneliest and most hideous part of my life. A part I had been desperately trying to leave behind...
The lights were off, because I insisted it this way. The air was heavy; he was heavy. And there was that old familiar darkness creeping in through the closed door, up the bed and into my soul. I knew it well. It was thrill and dread; victory and defeat. It was the beast that took up residence inside of me, coursing through my veins and hauling my body through the motions. It was master; I was slave. Yeah, I knew it well. We had made acquaintance a long time ago. It was like a constant companion to me; always there, just lurking in the corners. And now, here I was feebly attempting to temporarily satisfy an unquenchable thirst. I was in a dark smelly apartment, with a guy that I hardly knew, who I wasn’t even remotely attracted to and I was cheating on my boyfriend. I hated myself. I hated my weakness. I hated that I could not see past the fulfillment of my lust. I hated the fact that sooner or later the beast inside of me always got its way…
“Babe… Did you hear me?” Cam said with a nervous chuckle. My thoughts raced back to the present, to the man on one knee, waiting for an answer. “I… I don’t know what to say.” I finally choked out. Which was of course true. Was I supposed to say “Yes, a thousand times, yes!” and just bury the darkness deep into my past? It was, after all, definitely in the past. I knew that a lot had changed in six months. But… I guess not enough. Otherwise I would have been able to tell him. So what then? Was I supposed to tell him the whole truth now, after he had gone to all these lengths to create a perfect moment? Would he understand? I had never wanted to hurt him, there was just something wrong with me on a very deep level. It went back as far as I could remember.
Despite the fact that I had grown up in a happy, healthy Christian home, I guess I had figured out at a young age that I was something of a cardinal sinner. I believed with all of my heart that I didn’t truly belong to the “club” that my family met with every Sunday because I wasn’t really that good. I don’t know when this belief started to take root. Maybe in the Sunday school room when I didn’t know all of the answers, or because I made faces at the girls who sat perfectly proper in their pretty little dresses. Or maybe because in our family, I was always the instigator; the “common denominator” in every argument. Or maybe it was just because of the fact that even when I tried my best to be good, I still fell short. As I got older, this belief only made room for more secrets and addictive behaviours. Maybe this wasn’t all that irregular to most girls my age but I lived in a world where make out scenes were fast-forwarded, the word “sex” was worse than the “F” bomb and little girls just didn’t have dirty thoughts. I didn’t stand a chance! I was already guilty. So I did the only thing I knew how, I pretended. I had always been a good pretender. I worked so hard to appear holy like everyone else, but inside I knew the truth and it bore heavy on my shoulders. I kept my secrets and I thought that was the best option but in effect no one knew how broken I was. At least not until I ran up a long list of boyfriends, hook-ups and flings. By then no one could help me anyways.
I gulped in the frosty night wind and forced myself to focus on the present. Cam was exactly the type of man that I needed. He challenged me to reach for higher goals and he stood by me while I stumbled towards them. He laughed when I barked (if you catch my drift) and he truly, absolutely loved God. In short he was exactly what I had always wanted… but I wasn’t what I wanted. I felt deeper in that dark, dank pit than I had ever felt. I desperately needed a way out. And here was my knight in shining armour, patiently waiting for an answer. I swallowed the lump in my throat. Maybe I would still tell him some day. But for now, he would be my resolution. I wasn’t doing anything differently, this was who I was, who I had always been. I just had issues that no one knew about. I would never cheat on him again… if I could manage that much. Surely I could manage that much. I looked him in the eye and I told him yes. I would marry him. I would continue to live this lie. But things would be better. I wouldn’t have to deal with it all alone anymore. “Yes” was definitely the right answer. He proudly placed a beautiful ring on my finger. I knew it should have been such a perfect moment to be remembered for the rest of our lives but for me it was stained with regret.
The following eight months flew by with wedding preparations and renovations on the condo we had purchased. For the most part I stumbled along with the plans. It was truly the busiest time of my life, which was good because it left little time for me to think. But every so often, on a restless night, I would find myself staring up at the ceiling and desperately wishing for a way out of it all. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to marry Cam. It was more fear that he wouldn’t want to marry me if he knew who I really was and what I had done. This fear choked the excitement right out of me. And as the countdown began the fear only intensified until eventually I didn’t want the celebration anymore, I didn’t want the flowers or the dress or the little white chapel… I just wanted to know - I needed to know that Cam loved me for who I really was, a twenty-one year old girl with much more baggage than he knew. And as my resolve settled, I knew that I really loved him. Perhaps I had never really understood love before then. But I loved him enough to let him know the truth even if it cost our future together. Even if it meant that all the gifts would have to be returned and that most everyone else who had been invited would find out why we had really called it off. Sadly, it wasn’t even until that moment, that I realized the position I had put him in. My secrecy, which had only ever been constructed to protect myself, would actually be wounding someone else deeply. It was time to tell him. But I needed some time alone with God first… I was certain I didn’t possess the wisdom or the strength to do this on my own. What I didn’t realize, was that God had been sitting there waiting for me. He planned to do a lot more than just grant me the wisdom and the strength to talk to Cam. God was about to change my life.
Over the next few weeks in the early hours of each morning I met with God. In the beginning I was afraid of Him. I put on my “Sunday best” attitude and still did a lot of pretending even though I knew He already knew everything. I’m sure I looked an awful lot like Adam and Eve as they tried to hide behind their fig leaves. But every single day God showed me one thing, and He showed me over and over again in a million different ways. He showed me that He loved me. That even with all of my faults, weaknesses and failures I was like a radiant, holy and beautiful bride to Him. And this love had absolutely nothing to do with my ability to be good or because of any good thing I had ever done in my entire lifetime. It had everything to do with Jesus. Of course, I had grown up in the church, I had head-knowledge of this since I was a kid. But for the first time in my life my heart and my head were speaking the same language. As each day grew into the next, I started to feel more comfortable to let Him into deeper parts of my soul. Like the skins of an onion, He was peeling off one layer at a time of the relational walls I had put up between us. I started to understand that His love for me and the fact that He lived inside of me was the only reason why I was even capable of doing anything good. I learned that freedom is found in relationship with Him and the relationship doesn’t come simply because one spends hours in devotion or prayer with Him. Degrees of relationship with God are no different than the degrees of relationship between humans. It comes from an understanding of how deeply you are accepted and loved.
Finally, one morning I felt God telling me that it was time to say good-bye to my constant companion. Darkness and light cannot co-exist. Except the darkness wasn’t the bad thing I had done. The darkness was my belief that I could make myself holy, whether by good deeds, lack of bad deeds or just a mask I tried to hide behind. I knew I had to go straight into the centre of my pain to be done with it. I had to come to the end of myself. I asked for forgiveness for the sin that encompasses all sin; having a god that was other than the true God. I had believed that I could somehow earn my own righteousness (even if that meant living with secrets and avoiding the truth.) I suddenly understood that it is my freedom from this sin of believing I can make myself holy, that enables me to live free of the sins that held me so tightly. In that moment of repentance, I knew I would never see that darkness again. Something else had filled my soul where that aching thirst had been. It was a joy that quenched every desire and filled every crevice. And the guilt was gone. There is no room for shame in the arms of grace. I was finally whole and assured of a love that would be more than enough for me for the rest of my life.
Later that day, with the wedding less than one month away I asked Cam to come over. That night, on my living room floor, I told him my entire story. I didn’t know what to expect. I only knew to trust that God would work everything out for His good. Cam didn’t say anything at first. He was like a stone, void of emotion. I could only imagine how difficult this was for him to hear, about a woman he thought he knew well. I finished my story and we just sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity. Finally he said he would need some time to deal with this and I said that would be okay. He took a deep breath, kissed me on the forehead and turned to leave. But not before I saw the pain and betrayal that I knew he felt… the pain I had put there.
He didn’t call the next day. I didn’t know what else to do except pray. I prayed for him unlike any time I had ever before. I reminded myself that God was my source of happiness. My world would not shatter if Cam decided he couldn’t accept my mistakes. I prayed for the healing of his heart and I waited. This went on for another four days. Not a single word was spoken between us. By this time I was starting to lose hope. I was starting to wonder how he would call off the wedding and how I would be able to tell everyone. I thought about everything that I knew about him. I knew that he had been stabbed in the back before by business partners and friends and that hurt ran deep. I knew that he and I were very different in the way we viewed other people. I easily embraced people. He did not trust others or let them in until they earned a place in his heart. I tried to guess my response if the roles had been reversed but of course, I had no idea how I would have reacted. It wasn’t my heart that had been broken.
By the fifth day I had prepared myself for the worst, as best as I knew how. He called me during his lunch break and said he would be by to pick me up when he was done work. For the first time since we started dating, I was ready when he arrived. He met me at the door with a coldness, a distance that I had not experienced from him before. He hardly said a word as we walked to his car. Normally I would have found something on the radio and put my feet up on the dash but that day I sat with my hands awkwardly still on my lap. Silence filled the car. I wanted to ask where we were going but I didn’t. Cam had grown up in the area and seemed to know all of the back roads to any destination. We were out in the country somewhere. So, I allowed myself to take in the scenery of the Niagara escarpment outside of my window.
When the car finally came to a stop I suddenly realized where we were. It was the same conservation area he had brought me to the night he had proposed. I hadn’t recognized it because our first visit had been at night in the dead of winter. Here, now, I sat momentarily transfixed at the kaleidoscope of nature and colours all around me; the rush of the waterfalls to my left and the density of the brush to my right. Directly ahead was the lookout point; a bird’s eye view of Burlington and Lake Ontario and looming large above it all, the old cross. Without thinking I broke the silence, “This is incredible. All I remember from that night was darkness and cold. How could I have missed this?” I asked.
“If I remember correctly, you were a little preoccupied with all your complaints about the despicable torture I was putting you through” he replied with a wry smile. I cringed at the memory. He held out his hand to help me over a large fallen tree and he didn’t let go when I had safely crossed over. My heart leapt at the simple gesture that had once been so easy between us.
He sighed and turned to face me. “I wish I could have talked to you earlier. I didn’t want to keep you waiting. I just… didn’t know what to say. Nothing you could have said that night would have surprised me more. I still don’t really know how to handle this.” He absently thumbed circles on the back of my hand as he tried to collect his thoughts. “Cam, I am so sorry. I wish more than anything that I was someone else; that I didn’t have to put you through this.” “ I don’t want anyone else.” He cut in. “…I don’t want anyone else,” slower this time and his eyes looked deep into mine. I still saw so much pain there. God, what could I do? What could I say? But it was he who spoke next, “I haven’t changed my mind about us. If the unconditional part needs to come before the vows, that’s fine. I’ll do whatever it takes.” He said with eyes searching mine. “I just can’t… I’m not very good at the forgiving part. I love you Steph. But I’m still so angry… it’s not going away. And I do trust you. I know it won’t happen again, but I still have all these thoughts coming at me all the time. I’m not strong enough to fight this on my own.” He looked away.
I just stood there, shocked. How on earth had this turned into his problem; his guilt? I was the one with the issues. But then it hit me like a load of bricks. I didn’t have the issues any longer. The guilt and shame had been gone for weeks, since the very day I took it to God. The day I stopped trying to fix it on my own. “Cam! You’re exactly right! You can’t fight it on your own. I tried doing just that every day of my life and that’s basically why we are standing here today. We weren’t created to fix this on our own. We were created to know God’s love. I was always so busy trying to prove that I was worthy of God’s love; trying to make up for all my mistakes… I completely missed the fact that He loved me first. And you know… I think it was when I started to really know His love that I was finally able to love Him back. I stopped doing things out of obligation. It was more like cause and effect, I couldn’t help but love Him. I just wanted to be with Him all the time… kind of like when I fell in love with you.”
Cam stared at me for a moment and then led me around to the lookout point so we could see the whole picture before us. “None of what you just said has been news to me… I’ve heard it all since I was a kid. But just now, it’s like my head and my heart were speaking the same language. It’s so easy. Why do we try to make it complicated?” He asked. “I don‘t know.” I responded. “Maybe because then we would deserve some of the credit?” Then we just looked at one another. Feeling overwhelmed and awkward I turned back to the lookout. “I still can’t believe I missed all of this that night, eight months ago. It’s so vibrant and alive… maybe my perspectives have changed in more ways than one. I was so focused on the negative before.” I turned to look at him but I was surprised to find that he wasn’t standing beside me anymore. Instead he was behind me and he was kneeling again on one knee. This time it really was perfect. There wasn’t a shadow of guilt to cloud the memory. It was just a moment of love; a moment of worship. A moment on bended knees… at the foot of a cross.
“Maybe redemption has stories to tell. Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell.
Where can you run to escape from yourself?”
Switchfoot
Paul Tournier
On the Niagara escarpment, just past Stoney Creek Ontario, there is a lookout platform at the Devil’s Punch Bowl conservation area. From this point there is a breathtaking view of a 37 metre high waterfall over stratified rock that was said to have been formed at the end of the last ice age. If you enjoy the outdoors, I highly recommend that you check it out - it is a truly stunning sight to see. Also at this lookout point, there is a 10 metre high steel cross complete with 106 light bulbs that was erected in 1966 by a man named William Sinclair. His reason for establishing the cross? To bring a little more light to the world. And so it shines, and can be seen for miles on a dark night. At the foot of this cross is where my story begins…
The arches of my feet pierced with excruciating pain as I trudged up the snow-covered pathway - in ¾ inch heels. Oh yeah! There I was hiking up the Niagara Ridgeway in the middle of January sometime after 1 o’clock in the morning - in heels! Okay, fine, at that height they don’t technically warrant as heels - but it‘s not like they were hiking boots either! Even if they had been, by that point I was hardly consolable and I was tired of being polite. “Okay, this is ridiculous! I have to wake up early to sing at church in the morning - and I’m wearing a dress Cam! I’m wearing a dress - and heels - and it’s like -10 degrees out here! Can we please just turn around and go home? ” I heard my own pathetic beg. He took three more giant steps before he triumphantly announced. “Here we are! Just check out the view! Don‘t you think this was worth the trek up here?” he asked as he rubbed up and down my arms in attempt to keep them warm. I let the silence settle for about one minute before I answered. “Yup, terrific! Can we go now?” He took a deep breath and let out a long exaggerated sigh. “I’m sorry Babe. This wasn’t exactly like I planned. But I really wanted to bring you up here, for a special purpose… I wanted to ask you something” he began as he slowly lowered to one knee…
My heart lurched in my chest. No! No! This wasn’t happening! Not yet! I hadn’t had the chance to tell him! I… I hadn’t even tried to tell him. I was nearly twenty-one years old and we had been dating for exactly one year. He had surprised me by repeating our first date; the Toronto Boat show, dinner at a jazz club and now a midnight stop at the old cross off Centennial Parkway. Everything had indeed been lovely but in the months leading up to this night I had absolutely no inclination that we had gotten this serious. I hadn’t even considered the idea of marriage yet. I wasn’t ready for this decision. I wasn’t ready for honesty! And then suddenly before I could stop it, I was sub-consciously dragged back to the darkest, loneliest and most hideous part of my life. A part I had been desperately trying to leave behind...
The lights were off, because I insisted it this way. The air was heavy; he was heavy. And there was that old familiar darkness creeping in through the closed door, up the bed and into my soul. I knew it well. It was thrill and dread; victory and defeat. It was the beast that took up residence inside of me, coursing through my veins and hauling my body through the motions. It was master; I was slave. Yeah, I knew it well. We had made acquaintance a long time ago. It was like a constant companion to me; always there, just lurking in the corners. And now, here I was feebly attempting to temporarily satisfy an unquenchable thirst. I was in a dark smelly apartment, with a guy that I hardly knew, who I wasn’t even remotely attracted to and I was cheating on my boyfriend. I hated myself. I hated my weakness. I hated that I could not see past the fulfillment of my lust. I hated the fact that sooner or later the beast inside of me always got its way…
“Babe… Did you hear me?” Cam said with a nervous chuckle. My thoughts raced back to the present, to the man on one knee, waiting for an answer. “I… I don’t know what to say.” I finally choked out. Which was of course true. Was I supposed to say “Yes, a thousand times, yes!” and just bury the darkness deep into my past? It was, after all, definitely in the past. I knew that a lot had changed in six months. But… I guess not enough. Otherwise I would have been able to tell him. So what then? Was I supposed to tell him the whole truth now, after he had gone to all these lengths to create a perfect moment? Would he understand? I had never wanted to hurt him, there was just something wrong with me on a very deep level. It went back as far as I could remember.
Despite the fact that I had grown up in a happy, healthy Christian home, I guess I had figured out at a young age that I was something of a cardinal sinner. I believed with all of my heart that I didn’t truly belong to the “club” that my family met with every Sunday because I wasn’t really that good. I don’t know when this belief started to take root. Maybe in the Sunday school room when I didn’t know all of the answers, or because I made faces at the girls who sat perfectly proper in their pretty little dresses. Or maybe because in our family, I was always the instigator; the “common denominator” in every argument. Or maybe it was just because of the fact that even when I tried my best to be good, I still fell short. As I got older, this belief only made room for more secrets and addictive behaviours. Maybe this wasn’t all that irregular to most girls my age but I lived in a world where make out scenes were fast-forwarded, the word “sex” was worse than the “F” bomb and little girls just didn’t have dirty thoughts. I didn’t stand a chance! I was already guilty. So I did the only thing I knew how, I pretended. I had always been a good pretender. I worked so hard to appear holy like everyone else, but inside I knew the truth and it bore heavy on my shoulders. I kept my secrets and I thought that was the best option but in effect no one knew how broken I was. At least not until I ran up a long list of boyfriends, hook-ups and flings. By then no one could help me anyways.
I gulped in the frosty night wind and forced myself to focus on the present. Cam was exactly the type of man that I needed. He challenged me to reach for higher goals and he stood by me while I stumbled towards them. He laughed when I barked (if you catch my drift) and he truly, absolutely loved God. In short he was exactly what I had always wanted… but I wasn’t what I wanted. I felt deeper in that dark, dank pit than I had ever felt. I desperately needed a way out. And here was my knight in shining armour, patiently waiting for an answer. I swallowed the lump in my throat. Maybe I would still tell him some day. But for now, he would be my resolution. I wasn’t doing anything differently, this was who I was, who I had always been. I just had issues that no one knew about. I would never cheat on him again… if I could manage that much. Surely I could manage that much. I looked him in the eye and I told him yes. I would marry him. I would continue to live this lie. But things would be better. I wouldn’t have to deal with it all alone anymore. “Yes” was definitely the right answer. He proudly placed a beautiful ring on my finger. I knew it should have been such a perfect moment to be remembered for the rest of our lives but for me it was stained with regret.
The following eight months flew by with wedding preparations and renovations on the condo we had purchased. For the most part I stumbled along with the plans. It was truly the busiest time of my life, which was good because it left little time for me to think. But every so often, on a restless night, I would find myself staring up at the ceiling and desperately wishing for a way out of it all. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to marry Cam. It was more fear that he wouldn’t want to marry me if he knew who I really was and what I had done. This fear choked the excitement right out of me. And as the countdown began the fear only intensified until eventually I didn’t want the celebration anymore, I didn’t want the flowers or the dress or the little white chapel… I just wanted to know - I needed to know that Cam loved me for who I really was, a twenty-one year old girl with much more baggage than he knew. And as my resolve settled, I knew that I really loved him. Perhaps I had never really understood love before then. But I loved him enough to let him know the truth even if it cost our future together. Even if it meant that all the gifts would have to be returned and that most everyone else who had been invited would find out why we had really called it off. Sadly, it wasn’t even until that moment, that I realized the position I had put him in. My secrecy, which had only ever been constructed to protect myself, would actually be wounding someone else deeply. It was time to tell him. But I needed some time alone with God first… I was certain I didn’t possess the wisdom or the strength to do this on my own. What I didn’t realize, was that God had been sitting there waiting for me. He planned to do a lot more than just grant me the wisdom and the strength to talk to Cam. God was about to change my life.
Over the next few weeks in the early hours of each morning I met with God. In the beginning I was afraid of Him. I put on my “Sunday best” attitude and still did a lot of pretending even though I knew He already knew everything. I’m sure I looked an awful lot like Adam and Eve as they tried to hide behind their fig leaves. But every single day God showed me one thing, and He showed me over and over again in a million different ways. He showed me that He loved me. That even with all of my faults, weaknesses and failures I was like a radiant, holy and beautiful bride to Him. And this love had absolutely nothing to do with my ability to be good or because of any good thing I had ever done in my entire lifetime. It had everything to do with Jesus. Of course, I had grown up in the church, I had head-knowledge of this since I was a kid. But for the first time in my life my heart and my head were speaking the same language. As each day grew into the next, I started to feel more comfortable to let Him into deeper parts of my soul. Like the skins of an onion, He was peeling off one layer at a time of the relational walls I had put up between us. I started to understand that His love for me and the fact that He lived inside of me was the only reason why I was even capable of doing anything good. I learned that freedom is found in relationship with Him and the relationship doesn’t come simply because one spends hours in devotion or prayer with Him. Degrees of relationship with God are no different than the degrees of relationship between humans. It comes from an understanding of how deeply you are accepted and loved.
Finally, one morning I felt God telling me that it was time to say good-bye to my constant companion. Darkness and light cannot co-exist. Except the darkness wasn’t the bad thing I had done. The darkness was my belief that I could make myself holy, whether by good deeds, lack of bad deeds or just a mask I tried to hide behind. I knew I had to go straight into the centre of my pain to be done with it. I had to come to the end of myself. I asked for forgiveness for the sin that encompasses all sin; having a god that was other than the true God. I had believed that I could somehow earn my own righteousness (even if that meant living with secrets and avoiding the truth.) I suddenly understood that it is my freedom from this sin of believing I can make myself holy, that enables me to live free of the sins that held me so tightly. In that moment of repentance, I knew I would never see that darkness again. Something else had filled my soul where that aching thirst had been. It was a joy that quenched every desire and filled every crevice. And the guilt was gone. There is no room for shame in the arms of grace. I was finally whole and assured of a love that would be more than enough for me for the rest of my life.
Later that day, with the wedding less than one month away I asked Cam to come over. That night, on my living room floor, I told him my entire story. I didn’t know what to expect. I only knew to trust that God would work everything out for His good. Cam didn’t say anything at first. He was like a stone, void of emotion. I could only imagine how difficult this was for him to hear, about a woman he thought he knew well. I finished my story and we just sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity. Finally he said he would need some time to deal with this and I said that would be okay. He took a deep breath, kissed me on the forehead and turned to leave. But not before I saw the pain and betrayal that I knew he felt… the pain I had put there.
He didn’t call the next day. I didn’t know what else to do except pray. I prayed for him unlike any time I had ever before. I reminded myself that God was my source of happiness. My world would not shatter if Cam decided he couldn’t accept my mistakes. I prayed for the healing of his heart and I waited. This went on for another four days. Not a single word was spoken between us. By this time I was starting to lose hope. I was starting to wonder how he would call off the wedding and how I would be able to tell everyone. I thought about everything that I knew about him. I knew that he had been stabbed in the back before by business partners and friends and that hurt ran deep. I knew that he and I were very different in the way we viewed other people. I easily embraced people. He did not trust others or let them in until they earned a place in his heart. I tried to guess my response if the roles had been reversed but of course, I had no idea how I would have reacted. It wasn’t my heart that had been broken.
By the fifth day I had prepared myself for the worst, as best as I knew how. He called me during his lunch break and said he would be by to pick me up when he was done work. For the first time since we started dating, I was ready when he arrived. He met me at the door with a coldness, a distance that I had not experienced from him before. He hardly said a word as we walked to his car. Normally I would have found something on the radio and put my feet up on the dash but that day I sat with my hands awkwardly still on my lap. Silence filled the car. I wanted to ask where we were going but I didn’t. Cam had grown up in the area and seemed to know all of the back roads to any destination. We were out in the country somewhere. So, I allowed myself to take in the scenery of the Niagara escarpment outside of my window.
When the car finally came to a stop I suddenly realized where we were. It was the same conservation area he had brought me to the night he had proposed. I hadn’t recognized it because our first visit had been at night in the dead of winter. Here, now, I sat momentarily transfixed at the kaleidoscope of nature and colours all around me; the rush of the waterfalls to my left and the density of the brush to my right. Directly ahead was the lookout point; a bird’s eye view of Burlington and Lake Ontario and looming large above it all, the old cross. Without thinking I broke the silence, “This is incredible. All I remember from that night was darkness and cold. How could I have missed this?” I asked.
“If I remember correctly, you were a little preoccupied with all your complaints about the despicable torture I was putting you through” he replied with a wry smile. I cringed at the memory. He held out his hand to help me over a large fallen tree and he didn’t let go when I had safely crossed over. My heart leapt at the simple gesture that had once been so easy between us.
He sighed and turned to face me. “I wish I could have talked to you earlier. I didn’t want to keep you waiting. I just… didn’t know what to say. Nothing you could have said that night would have surprised me more. I still don’t really know how to handle this.” He absently thumbed circles on the back of my hand as he tried to collect his thoughts. “Cam, I am so sorry. I wish more than anything that I was someone else; that I didn’t have to put you through this.” “ I don’t want anyone else.” He cut in. “…I don’t want anyone else,” slower this time and his eyes looked deep into mine. I still saw so much pain there. God, what could I do? What could I say? But it was he who spoke next, “I haven’t changed my mind about us. If the unconditional part needs to come before the vows, that’s fine. I’ll do whatever it takes.” He said with eyes searching mine. “I just can’t… I’m not very good at the forgiving part. I love you Steph. But I’m still so angry… it’s not going away. And I do trust you. I know it won’t happen again, but I still have all these thoughts coming at me all the time. I’m not strong enough to fight this on my own.” He looked away.
I just stood there, shocked. How on earth had this turned into his problem; his guilt? I was the one with the issues. But then it hit me like a load of bricks. I didn’t have the issues any longer. The guilt and shame had been gone for weeks, since the very day I took it to God. The day I stopped trying to fix it on my own. “Cam! You’re exactly right! You can’t fight it on your own. I tried doing just that every day of my life and that’s basically why we are standing here today. We weren’t created to fix this on our own. We were created to know God’s love. I was always so busy trying to prove that I was worthy of God’s love; trying to make up for all my mistakes… I completely missed the fact that He loved me first. And you know… I think it was when I started to really know His love that I was finally able to love Him back. I stopped doing things out of obligation. It was more like cause and effect, I couldn’t help but love Him. I just wanted to be with Him all the time… kind of like when I fell in love with you.”
Cam stared at me for a moment and then led me around to the lookout point so we could see the whole picture before us. “None of what you just said has been news to me… I’ve heard it all since I was a kid. But just now, it’s like my head and my heart were speaking the same language. It’s so easy. Why do we try to make it complicated?” He asked. “I don‘t know.” I responded. “Maybe because then we would deserve some of the credit?” Then we just looked at one another. Feeling overwhelmed and awkward I turned back to the lookout. “I still can’t believe I missed all of this that night, eight months ago. It’s so vibrant and alive… maybe my perspectives have changed in more ways than one. I was so focused on the negative before.” I turned to look at him but I was surprised to find that he wasn’t standing beside me anymore. Instead he was behind me and he was kneeling again on one knee. This time it really was perfect. There wasn’t a shadow of guilt to cloud the memory. It was just a moment of love; a moment of worship. A moment on bended knees… at the foot of a cross.
“Maybe redemption has stories to tell. Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell.
Where can you run to escape from yourself?”
Switchfoot
Worship in the Wreckage
“What heights of love, what depths of peace. When fears are stilled, when strivings cease. My comforter, my all in all. Here in the love of Christ I stand.”
It was a sight I would love to forget; an etching in my minds eye that I hoped time would erase. There lay the man I had always called my Daddy. Or at least there lay the wretched inhuman version of his now disease-stricken body. He was propped up in the starch white hospital bed an his eyes sank so deep into his skull I wasn’t sure if he could even see. My stomach seemed to turn completely upside-down at the sight before my eyes. Surely, this couldn’t be the same strong man who once perched me high above his shoulders, and made cyclones in our pool, and built a tree house that had made all the neighbourhood kids jealous. My Daddy had always been so full of life; dancing to his crazy Greek music, repeatedly ringing the doorbell to announce his arrivals, and riling up our dog Scootie. He was the one cheering loudest (and most embarrassingly) at all our sporting events. When he walked into a room where he was known, people literally applauded. Just three years earlier when he walked me down the aisle he had been so strong and vibrant. He was my Daddy and I was his “Goofy.” This man before me now was barely a shadow of the one I knew so well. I stood there unwilling, unable to believe that this was really happening. For a moment the walls seemed to close around me and I couldn’t breathe. I suddenly understood why some people hated hospitals. I had only just arrived but I knew I needed to leave. Regardless of how much I loved my dad, I could not see him like this. I would not see him like this. And for the next five days as his health rapidly deteriorated I did everything in my power to stay away.
This had gone on for a few days, when I realized that my actions had been affecting the rest of my family who refused to leave him unattended. My mom hadn’t slept for days, or even months depending on how you looked at it. So finally I offered to spend a night with him in the hospital so she could get some rest. I think my youngest sister Becca knew that this would be difficult for me because she insisted on staying with us. I couldn’t have been more grateful, especially once we learned what the night had in store for us…
It turned out to be his worst night; far worse than any of us could have imagined. In a disillusioned frenzy he screamed for hours on end as if he were living a nightmare. He didn’t know who we were; he repeatedly exposed himself and ripped out his catheter. The nurses had nothing to ease his pain or calm his nerves and eventually they just stopped responding to our calls. My sister and I were at a complete loss. Despite our best efforts we could not in any way better his situation yet we were forced to sit there and watch. We held one another and cried as his torture rampaged on.
And then, from somewhere deep inside of me rose a voice to sing. It was the last thing my heart wanted to do. I had been so angry, and scared and empty all at the same time for weeks, months even. But for some reason, I knew it was what I needed to do. A strength more resilient than my despair pressed through and with a staggered breath I sang the first few stanzas to one of my favourite songs, “In Christ alone.” Hardly a moment passed when an indescribable peace settled over the room and I no longer felt at loss. The weights of stress and fear that I had been carrying seemed to fall right off my shoulders and I no longer felt the need to handle the situation. I am certain that I entered a time of worship unlike anything I had ever experienced, and that time of worship brought acceptance and understanding. Somewhere in my sub-conscious I stopped believing that all would be well and I started to believe that all was well in that very moment. Even in the midst of such pain and loss I recognized that we weren’t alone. We never had been. It was just that this was the first time I was actually focused on God and the fact that He is good, He works all things together for good and He never changes. My dad had stopped screaming. He rested his head and closed his eyes. I have no idea how long this lasted but before I knew it my mom entered the room. She had been unable to sleep and wanted to spend the night with him after all. As Becca gathered up our things I leaned over his bed, kissed him on the forehead and told him that I loved him. Just as I started to rise I heard his whisper, “I love you too, Goofy.” Later I realized that this was our last lucid moment together. He was gone less than 24 hours later.
And now, two years later I recognize how much of a gift that seemingly horrible night was for me. Up until that point I had never felt so completely useless in a situation. It was there that I learned to rest in the everlasting arms of my Saviour. As far back as I can remember I have had a heart for worship. But it was there that I truly understood the heart of worship - which would give Christ my complete focus regardless of the situation. And perhaps, the greatest gift for me that night, was to know that my daddy, a relatively new believer of Christ at that time, had learned both of these incredible truths with me…
.
It was a sight I would love to forget; an etching in my minds eye that I hoped time would erase. There lay the man I had always called my Daddy. Or at least there lay the wretched inhuman version of his now disease-stricken body. He was propped up in the starch white hospital bed an his eyes sank so deep into his skull I wasn’t sure if he could even see. My stomach seemed to turn completely upside-down at the sight before my eyes. Surely, this couldn’t be the same strong man who once perched me high above his shoulders, and made cyclones in our pool, and built a tree house that had made all the neighbourhood kids jealous. My Daddy had always been so full of life; dancing to his crazy Greek music, repeatedly ringing the doorbell to announce his arrivals, and riling up our dog Scootie. He was the one cheering loudest (and most embarrassingly) at all our sporting events. When he walked into a room where he was known, people literally applauded. Just three years earlier when he walked me down the aisle he had been so strong and vibrant. He was my Daddy and I was his “Goofy.” This man before me now was barely a shadow of the one I knew so well. I stood there unwilling, unable to believe that this was really happening. For a moment the walls seemed to close around me and I couldn’t breathe. I suddenly understood why some people hated hospitals. I had only just arrived but I knew I needed to leave. Regardless of how much I loved my dad, I could not see him like this. I would not see him like this. And for the next five days as his health rapidly deteriorated I did everything in my power to stay away.
This had gone on for a few days, when I realized that my actions had been affecting the rest of my family who refused to leave him unattended. My mom hadn’t slept for days, or even months depending on how you looked at it. So finally I offered to spend a night with him in the hospital so she could get some rest. I think my youngest sister Becca knew that this would be difficult for me because she insisted on staying with us. I couldn’t have been more grateful, especially once we learned what the night had in store for us…
It turned out to be his worst night; far worse than any of us could have imagined. In a disillusioned frenzy he screamed for hours on end as if he were living a nightmare. He didn’t know who we were; he repeatedly exposed himself and ripped out his catheter. The nurses had nothing to ease his pain or calm his nerves and eventually they just stopped responding to our calls. My sister and I were at a complete loss. Despite our best efforts we could not in any way better his situation yet we were forced to sit there and watch. We held one another and cried as his torture rampaged on.
And then, from somewhere deep inside of me rose a voice to sing. It was the last thing my heart wanted to do. I had been so angry, and scared and empty all at the same time for weeks, months even. But for some reason, I knew it was what I needed to do. A strength more resilient than my despair pressed through and with a staggered breath I sang the first few stanzas to one of my favourite songs, “In Christ alone.” Hardly a moment passed when an indescribable peace settled over the room and I no longer felt at loss. The weights of stress and fear that I had been carrying seemed to fall right off my shoulders and I no longer felt the need to handle the situation. I am certain that I entered a time of worship unlike anything I had ever experienced, and that time of worship brought acceptance and understanding. Somewhere in my sub-conscious I stopped believing that all would be well and I started to believe that all was well in that very moment. Even in the midst of such pain and loss I recognized that we weren’t alone. We never had been. It was just that this was the first time I was actually focused on God and the fact that He is good, He works all things together for good and He never changes. My dad had stopped screaming. He rested his head and closed his eyes. I have no idea how long this lasted but before I knew it my mom entered the room. She had been unable to sleep and wanted to spend the night with him after all. As Becca gathered up our things I leaned over his bed, kissed him on the forehead and told him that I loved him. Just as I started to rise I heard his whisper, “I love you too, Goofy.” Later I realized that this was our last lucid moment together. He was gone less than 24 hours later.
And now, two years later I recognize how much of a gift that seemingly horrible night was for me. Up until that point I had never felt so completely useless in a situation. It was there that I learned to rest in the everlasting arms of my Saviour. As far back as I can remember I have had a heart for worship. But it was there that I truly understood the heart of worship - which would give Christ my complete focus regardless of the situation. And perhaps, the greatest gift for me that night, was to know that my daddy, a relatively new believer of Christ at that time, had learned both of these incredible truths with me…
.
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